Originally published at: https://ideapod.com/people-pleaser-heres-need-instead/
People often ask me what the single most important factor is for living a happy and fulfilled life.
Five years ago, when I was starting to embrace new age fads like the law of attraction, I would have told you that gratitude was the most important determinant. Not only would expressing gratitude make you feel better, it would also help you become a better person.
Now that I’ve got a little more life experience and the world has changed so much, I believe there’s something much more powerful that will instantly change your life and help you achieve more fulfillment in the long run.
Importantly, this is also the key to stop being a people pleaser.
What’s the most important factor for a life of fulfillment?
Telling the truth.
It sounds simple, but it’s difficult to achieve in practice, especially for people pleasers. The devil is in the details, after all.
Let me explain.
Being honest about the status of a long term relationshipMany years ago I was in a serious long term relationship. She was wonderful (and still is). Intelligent, ambitious and dynamic. We clicked and life was exciting together.
Yet something felt wrong deep inside me.
She thought we were ready to get engaged, but I found myself looking forward to traveling for work. Things felt heavy. I wasn’t being honest with myself or with her.
I think the easy way out is to ignore these feelings and find a way to rationalize them. Or we blame the other person.
It’s more challenging to be honest with yourself and risk hurting someone in the process.
The truth was that I didn’t see a future with this person. So I told her this was how I was feeling.
I’m not perfect, and I fumbled my way through telling the truth. But I got there in the end. It was an incredibly painful six months, but eventually we both moved on and found our way separately.
I’m sure it’s moments like these that define us and contribute the most to living a life of fulfilment. We have many of these moments where we can take a stand and tell the truth.
To better explain why it matters, I turned to a popular public thinker to help articulate it.
Telling the truth is one of the most important rules of lifeDr. Jordan Peterson wrote a self-help book recently with his most important twelve rules for living a good life. Peterson is a clinical psychologist and has taught lawyers, doctors and business people around the world, distilling these rules from mythology as well as his clinical experience. If you want to find out more about Peterson's key ideas, check out our 58-page eBook summarizing them.
One of Peterson’s rules for life is to always tell the truth, and he explains why it can so profoundly change your life.
Telling the truth isn’t for the faint-hearted. As Peterson says: “The truth is something that burns – it burns off deadwood, and people don’t like having their deadwood burnt off often, because they’re 95% deadwood.”
The problem is that consistently running away from the truth results in having a weak character. You’re not standing up for yourself:
“If you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, if you act out a lie, you weaken your character. If you have a weak character, then adversity will mow you down when it appears, as it will, inevitably. You will hide, but there will be no place left to hide. And then you will find yourself doing terrible things.”Peterson shares an example of someone who isn’t able to be honest about her life circumstances.
“Consider the person who insists that everything is right in her life. She avoids conflict, and smiles, and does what she is asked to do. She finds a niche and hides in it. She does not question authority or put her own ideas forward, and does not complain when mistreated. She strives for invisibility, like a fish in the centre of a swarming school. But a secret unrest gnaws at her heart. She is still suffering, because life is suffering. She is lonesome and isolated and unfulfilled. But her obedience and self-obliteration eliminate all the meaning from her life. She has become nothing but a slave, a tool for others to exploit. She does not get what she wants, or needs, because doing so would mean speaking her mind. So, there is nothing of value in her existence to counter-balance life’s troubles. And that makes her sick.”Does this sound anything like you?
Losing your vitality for lifeThe quickest way to lose a connection with your own life force is to run away from telling the truth.
In distinction, you quickly become a stronger person when you stop trying to please people around you and start telling the truth. If you say no to your boss when it needs to be said, for example, you become a stronger person. When you stand up to your mother when you need to assert your independence, you become a strong person.
Peterson asks us to imagine a situation where someone is hungry for power at your workplace. They make a new rule that is unnecessary and counter-productive. It takes away some of the pleasure and meaning you get from your work.
You now have a choice. You can keep silent, concluding that it’s not worth speaking up about and you can tolerate the new rule. The new rule is tolerable, after all.
Or you can be honest about the hardships coming from the imposition of the new rule and speak up about it. This may help make your workplace better, or it may make things more difficult for you. Yet you’ll be speaking the truth. If it does make things more difficult, at least you may start a revolution in the workplace or end up deciding to move on and work somewhere else. Most importantly, you’ll have started the process of once again finding passion and meaning from your work.
The truth matters now more than everWe live in a political climate where fake news is running rampant, and technology the information we receive is filtered. Mainstream media networks feed us propaganda and it’s difficult to know what to believe anymore.
In this climate, how you act matters now more than ever. It’s essential to believe in the truth as an ideal and live according to a commitment to acting from it.
“Truth builds edifices that can stand a thousand years. Truth feeds and clothes the poor, and makes nations wealthy and safe. Truth reduces the terrible complexity of a man to the simplicity of his word, so that he can become a partner, rather than an enemy. Truth makes the past truly past, and makes the best use of the future’s possibilities. Truth is the ultimate, inexhaustible natural resource. It’s the light in the darkness.”These days many people talk about being “authentic”. Yet there seems to be confusion about how best to embrace it. It becomes a catch word with people trying to conform to what they think it means.
A better way to be authentic is to be honest. Be honest about the masks that society has placed on you. Be honest about your commitment to the relationships in your life. Be honest when you see injustice in the workplace, or inequitable treatment of others in your community.
When you can find a connection with the truth deep down inside, you start to live a more authentic life. It may cause some inconveniences and hardships in the short term. But over time life will be more fulfilling, and happiness will start to naturally emerge.