I’m currently on antidepressants while writing this. Duloxetine or Loxx makes me sleepy and lethargic but it numbs my emotion. I was so pissed off with my father this morning as he always think about money, thinking it will save him in the next life. He’s the type of old person who thinks that salvation can be achieved through frequent going to the mass. Well the Pharisees were doing that! And when he has lots of money, he goes to the cockpit and gamble. He’s kinda annoying to talk with. I avoid him at all times. He’s causing me mental anxiety and stress. Yesterday, I tried Modafinil once again. It kinda restricted my breathing and there’s that pain in the chest. However I was able to be super productive. Imagine being 1 hour on the treadmill nonstop without getting tired. But I was scared all the time that it might trigger a heart attack, that’s why I went to the clinic to have my bp checked and it was normal: 120/70. I was always checking my pulse for any abnormalities. Because I was so pissed off with my father, I took Rivitrol and when I woke up, I felt so groggy, like a drunk man. But it made me calmer. I’m overreliant on drugs. If I want to be productive, I’ll use Modafinil. If I want to fight my depression, I’ll take Duloxetine. If I want to sleep right away, I’ll take Rivitrol. I had no choice but to use drugs because I wasn’t living in an ideal home settings. I got parents who doesn’t understand trading, who would rather overdramatize everything and not use a single brain cell, who are racist, judgemental, close minded, bigoted. It sucks to have parents like that. Embracing stupidity at its best.
Tell us about the positive people you spend time with, the ones it is a pleasure to be around. You are allowed to leave your house, right? So you must have people you associate with who can mentor you, tell us here on Ideapod about them.
I suspect that when one follows a continuous pattern in life , it is usually due to known and unknown payoffs .
If one is continually miserable then one must like it at some level. There are chemical payoffs unseen . At that point it is beneficial to ask oneself , is the benefit I derive from misery better than moving on ?
If not , move on to what ? That can be scary as well.https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=q4pDUxth5fQ
The myth of Sisyphus - Alex Gendler - YouTube
Thanks Bill! Right now, I’m on a state of depression.
I have no problems with other people. It’s just that my father is so obnoxious, I couldn’t get him out of my nerves. There are a lot of positive people out there, sad to say, they’re not in my own household, that is what saddens me a lot.
Of course nobody wants to dwell on misery. That’s why I’m on antidepressants. I’m trying to get rid off the misery through the use of drugs.
I wouldn’t be too sure about that.
Jordan Peterson: “Religious is What You Act Out” - YouTube
I would honestly suggest turning familial relationships into positive ones , I think family relationships have great power over ones ability to have relationships beyond the family.
Your misery is a state of mind. Like the lion with the thorn in its paw. The thorn is not doing anything other than being sharp and in the wrong place. Are you not able to go outside your house? Is your father always in the same room with you? You need to spend time some place else. Unless you are sharing a prison cell it should be manageable. What are your circumstances? Use your mind at full capacity, not drugs, to address your situation.
Thanks Bill for the advice. I will avoid him from now on.
Avoid is fine when you need space but you must build your relationship with him. Do you have anything in common, anything?
I feel for your I have spent (i.e. wasted) a great deal of time and energy dealing with crappy relations,
I don’t know if you are familiar with the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Speaking as someone who has had (and still does have occasionally) experience with anxiety /depression my take on it is this condition occurs when reality doesn’t match our expectations, so ‘to get better’ - for the want of a better expression- we have to change our expectations.
For example, your father is your father and you cannot change that nor can you change him or the way he behaves but you can change your perspective of him, and this is not for his benefit, it is for yours! Take the way he sees money and it helping him in the next life, he probably really believes that to be true so instead of getting pissed off with him and finding yourself having to take medication, pray for him, take yourself to a quiet place and pray that when he gets to the next life he will be ok when he finds out that it is kindness and not coins that would have been more useful to him. Obviously this won’t be easy because it is hard work dealing with folks like this but YOU deserve to be at peace with yourself and you need to release the hold he has on your emotions.
I believe, and I find this helps me put ‘a lot of crap’ into perspective, that we choose the lives we are going to live through in order for us to improve our soul.
The weird thing is I don’t see myself as being religious but having read over the above it seems as though I am, but that is by the by, my suggestion of praying for him may not sit well with you and you can probably think of a better way to see your father, or anyone you have issues with, in a different way, that will help you keep your perspective positive.
I cannot stress enough how this is completely about you and how you interact with others to be true to yourself and to have some mental calm in your life, with all my heart I wish you well