How to deal with a abusive and controlling spouse (not sure if he is a narcissist)

(Sarika Ghai) #1

I have to stay with an abusive and controlling spouse, what can be the right ways and tactics which can help me get around with him. There is no point of leaving him, of course for the sake of kids and for overall well being of the family…I am sad and confused on how should I be behaving to take this forward…

(Bill Ames) #2

I did a google search on “How to deal with a abusive and controlling spouse” and found may answers. You should try this.

(Louise Campbell) #3

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve experienced narcissistic abuse and the effects are deep, painful and take a long time to heal from.

Having said that, trying to figure out if he has a personality disorder or not isn’t the important thing. The important thing is accepting that his behaviour is abusive, and that you have a right to live free from abuse.

I know that there is a strong focus on keeping the family together that runs through society. Consider whether having a controlling and abusive father is good for the family.

In answering your question, there is nothing that you can do to prevent someone else from abusing. It is their decision to treat others in that way and even very highly qualified psychologists have great difficulty in getting abusive people to even acknowledge their own behaviour and how damaging it is.

Being at the other side of such relationships, I know that the only way to truly improve things is to leave. I also know this is very difficult.

Use online resources to gain information. Look at emotional and psychological abuse and learn what you can about it. Remind yourself that being abused makes you doubt yourself, so to counteract that keep reminding yourself that you CAN trust your own eyes, ears and perceptions. You CAN trust your own feelings. It’s very difficult to do that when you have an abusive person telling you you’re wrong about everything. Trust yourself, remind yourself every day to trust yourself.

It’s a journey to leave and it’s a journey to stay away and find a way back to yourself again.

Here are some good resources: Lisa Romano survived being brought up by narcissists and alcoholic parents, then married someone with NPD. Richard Grannon has also survived a narcissistic childhood.

Have a look for some more resources, there are many informational resources online. Educate yourself on support in your local area. You are still trying to hold together an abusive relationship - we all do that - but I truly hope you educate yourself to the point where you decide to leave with your children, and I hope you do that safely and end up living the life you deserve.

Much, much luck.