I’m 36, still single, and finally figured out why

(Justin Brown) #1

Read the full article here: https://ideapod.com/im-36-still-single-finally-figured/

I’ve been single for nearly all of my adult life, am still single, and I finally figured out what the problem is. I used to believe the reason was because I hadn’t met the right person yet. I believed that all I had to do was keep on enjoying life, focus on my passion, identify…

(Justin Brown) #2

This was a really meaningful article for me to put together early last year. I had just been on a holiday with a potential love interest and it didn’t work out.

It wasn’t a great situation and I think I caused a bit of pain. Afterwards I was reflecting on my love life. This article was the result.

It’s now one year in and I’m 37 and still single. I’ll write another article soon with my latest learnings about relationships.

In the meantime, I would love to know from others reading this article what their reactions are.

(Mari Tomos) #3

Hi Justin,
I stumbled across your article online and immediately felt like I could relate to the 3rd, like yourself. Thanks for the insight into attachment theories - super interesting!

(Justin Brown) #4

Nice to meet you @Mari.T86 and welcome to Ideapod. Hopefully you find some more articles here that resonate.

(Bill Ames) #5

Do what I did. Be eating dinner in a diner sitting at the counter (1967) and a young lady enters sits next to me orders a cup of tea and is eating a popsicle. I was a very shy person and would never have thought of starting a conversation. I learned eventually that Lorelei loves to talk and she did, with me, and the rest is history. I do miss her. Just be in the right place at the right time.

(ACD) #6

A single person is single because s/he is not married.

(Bob Copeland) #7

Life is divided into acquaintances, friends, and lovers. Acquaintances are people that you somewhat know. Friends are people that you really know. Acquaintances & friends reside in our space dominated world where there are limits. For instance, only one person can reside in the exact (x, y, z) position at clock time (t) which is a “limit” in our space world. Physical “lovers” can also live in our space dominated, but “limited” world & also in our quantum world where everything exists in units of “time”. That is why that when you meet the “right” person they become your soul mate in units of “time” that occupy your “limited” space forever.

(Bill Ames) #8

How does one measure the importance of the “right” person? Perhaps that vote should go to the grand children?

(ACD) #9

I remember this being an issue for you when we first met a decade ago. Interpersonal relationships of all kinds require each to give up freedom for the sake of the relationship: this is as true of romantic relationships as it is of business relationships, for example. When you are ready to surrender your freedom, you will be fertile ground for those seeking to develop relationships with you. Before you know it, you will be married and also enjoying the benefits of other types of relationships. This is my experience.

(Mo OG) #10

Change a few things like the author’s name etc and this is so me, it feels like you’ve been spying on me! :grin:. Not sure about the theories though…To be fair, LOA has worked for me in most other areas except relationships so I also don’t know what’s going on there but I don’t think the behaviourist theories fully explain the issue. Or perhaps they’re lacking in actionable solution suggestions…

(Meghan Litteljohn) #11

Hi Justin,
I think it’s really brave to be looking at your attachment style and the patterns they form in relationships. Good for you! I’m turning 37 this month, and I’ve had similar challenges, resulting from a more anxious style of attachment. It’s tough to be facing up to these truths at this stage of life, but also a much needed opportunity for transformation and growth. I’ve learned a lot from reading Sue Johnson’s work (Love Sense, Hold Me Tight) and doing some attachment-based therapy to try to understand early relationships and their impact on my life now. Trying to become more secure on your own is hard, but I think you can get at least part of the way there, until someone who’s also willing to do the work comes into your life and you can learn how to attune and bond together. Wishing you the all the best on your path to finding lasting, nurturing love. <3

(Chris Lagos) #12

I think when we become adult, we feel freedom and our individual sovereignty . We feel real love when we are willing to lose individual sovereignty to another and possibly create family, true love is when the partner reciprocates the feeling.

:movie_camera: The Real Reason for Marriage - Prof. Jordan Peterson - YouTube

(ACD) #13

You have hit the nail on the head: the paradox of love.

(Chris) #14

So from those 4 types, I still don’t know what type I am. My type would be:

a) I go out every weekend and talk to girls on the street, complement them, tell them they are beautiful, grab their phone number and arrange a coffee date (Day game). About 1 in 7 women offer their phone number - Approach verse phone number giving ratio.
b) Work 45 hours during the week. Highly successful job and income.
c) Still after trying to talk to women on the street for over a year with no results. (No dates lead to a second date)
d) Think women have high standards but at the same time offer little in return.
e) Only reject women for a second date maybe 1-5% of the time. While 95% of the time, the women never responds for a second date.
f) Single most of my life (Not by choice)

(Chris Lagos) #15

A son asks , " Dad , when will I meet the right woman for me ? " The dad says , " you just be the right man for her and she’ll be along soon enough , you just be ready when she does ".

(Bill Ames) #16

You are trying to find a date, you should be trying to find a friend. Someone that you have something in common with. Go to places where things are done or where people go for experience, the kinds of things you like to do or experience. When you start meeting the same person more than once make sure you engage them in a conversation. You need to let them see what is attractive in you.

(Irene) #17

Hey Justin,

I see that it’s been 6 months since you wrote your article so I’m not sure if you will even see this message or not… but I just came across your article and find it so interesting to view these types of behaviours. It definitely explains a lot in terms of relationships. Also makes me curious as to what type I will date next. Thank you for sharing your insight.

(Justin Brown) #18

Thanks for taking the time to come in here and comment on the article, @Irene06. Actually I wrote the article about 20 months ago. It’s become a popular article for people searching on google “why am I single”, which is nice to see. Hopefully it helps some people to understand themselves and the people they’re dating.

(Keeziel Macasaquit) #19

Thanks for sharing. Now I have an idea why he is like that. :blush:

(Martha Hsieh) #20

I’m so frustrated being single at 40. I’ve always wanted a family of my own. I never established a healthy relationship with my own family since childhood. It’s at this time in my life when i realized i needed to make shifts and adjustments within. What brought this on is a failed relationship. I thought everything was going well, until it didn’t. Shocking for me since i was completely cut off and didn’t even know why. I still don’t know what will make a relationship blossom into a commitment. Maybe there is no shortcut and no real recipe. The article helps me see different attachment types. Who wouldn’t want to be secure and be with someone secure, right? Maybe tho, there is that something extra needed for a commitment to be possible.